Note to self.

4/11/2015

I hate writing about love, and yet it seems the best of me always comes out when I let my mind muse about the strongest energy force in the universe — and so here I find myself, yet again, needing to release my thoughts.

Love.

How my heart has ached over you, and how many instances in which my hands have shaken from the very thought of your unwanted presence, the electricity exiting the tips of my finger, the trace of you lingering with my palms… how I have lost myself in your absence.

But my, how much I’ve experienced and learned at your touch. How much poetry I have written, and how many sunsets I have witnessed, the many places I have traveled and discovered, the people I have crossed paths with… how much of my own self I have learned about.

I based my delta, around the three points of the forms of love.

Family, friends, and a relationship — which formed the triangle I inked permanently across my skin — a reminder to myself, to never forget those which make life such a treasure.

The equilateral triangle, the symbol of change… and change is inevitable, I daily remind myself that it is the only constant change life can promise any of us — and so the promise I made myself is to constantly change for the better.

And I have noticed a big change in myself. Something that made me, altogether, question if I really was making headway for a better me.

What I noticed was that I began to let go of people a lot easier.

The me before would have fought viciously to keep in tact all my relationships — to try and retain every single heart that has touched my own, good or bad for my own health, it didn’t matter. Perhaps the aftermath of Loss; a dear friend who visits periodically.

What mattered to me was that I didn’t want to be the one that walked away, the one that gave up… the one to burden the guilt or blame of a failure.

Then something wonderful happened, I moved across the world — and for the first three months, I was absolutely more miserable than I was before, and that is what my heart needed. Loneliness became my new lover, and I have learned so much from her.

Imagine that. The ugly side of travelling that no one writes about is that it’s fucking hard. And there are two ways to go about it — complain and cry about the difference and stay the same person, OR work through it, change and adjust, and let the mind expand as far as the horizons; I chose the latter, and inevitably I changed, for the better.

And so now that I am back in my home country, I have struggled with whom I left behind here in the states, and who I became while in Spain.

Two radically different people, now converging and colliding, sometimes battling and struggling to wear the crown and stake claim to my throne of a heart.

I thought I was leaving adventure behind when I returned back home. And for the first couple of weeks that my feet were on American soil, I mourned the person I lost while in Spain. I mourned the self-loving soul I had transformed into.

Because being home has taught me just as much as being away. When you do finally return, no one notices how you’ve changed internally. No one perceives how the spindles in your mind now rotate at different speeds and in different directions. All loved ones see, are the pictures you’ve been tagged in on facebook, and the smile that looks all too familiar, like the one worn last winter that warms their hearts still. For them, too, life has changed in my absence — and I think we forget to acknowledge each other’s change.

Because struggle doesn’t garner “likes” or romanticize the disillusionment of living abroad.

And so upon familiar ground that raised me, I was greeted with familiar smiles that held familiar expectations from me.

And boy, have I rebelled against anyone and everyone who still tries to shackle chains of expectations on me.

But I am learning once again, to compromise. To hold on to the best parts of me from past and present, and change and improve everything else I can.

So now, I find it a lot easier to let go. Let go what doesn’t serve me or help me grow. I know how selfish that sounds. I know how egotistical that can come across as — but for myself I have also realized that the more I love myself and treat myself with kindness and respect, the more I reciprocate those feelings to all my other relationships; be it family, friends, or a lover — in whatever form love chooses to take in my life.

And on other side of that coin, I also know how to walk away from people who don’t treat me as I deserve. Something I couldn’t have done previously. But now, now I have become more solidified in myself. And in doing so, I acknowledge the universe of change that resides in every single soul and who people are just as they are, without wanting to alter them — or at least, I try to.

I came back home with a sense of home within my own heart. I came back knowing what it feels like to be whole and complete all on my own. I came back realizing I am my own savior. Which has tremendously helped my relationships with everyone I love. They’re the reasons I came back. I owe it to them, to be everything I am meant to become. Because as self-sufficient as I am now, I would be foolish to think that I could do everything on my own. Being alone and not having to rely on anyone isn’t the goal — it never has been.

Three points with equal distance make a perfect symbol for change, but what about the inside? See what I forgot about my delta, is that the inside counts. That love for myself matters just as much as the outer three boundaries that keep my shape.

Self-love changes everything. People will hurt me, and I know I will hurt others as well, there’s no way to avoid pain or loss — all I can control is how I choose to react. Such is life, giving and taking.

And this is a lesson I won’t soon forget; simply being in love with myself, and that being more than enough.

My only expectation for me is to be the best person I can be, for myself and for those I love — no matter where I am in the world.

IMG_0754

—————————–

3/11/2011

…but a wise man and a foolish man are no different when they are in love, especially with someone like you.

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