I fell in love with you unexpectedly, unwarrantedly, unapologetically — my second time around, more carefully.
But I couldn’t resist your humour, nor your kindness.
My friends told me I was crazy — hell, love makes you so. To be in love with someone who would never know, who I’ll probably never tell. And that’s how I want it; a simple and untainted memory of love; an experience worth every mile and ocean in between.
Because honestly, it was the best thing to ever happen to me after being heartbroken for so long. To explore someone, unselfishly. To want to know someone, but not want her for my own. And I think that’s what I loved about you, about us, more than anything — the no expectations, no past or future, only just the moment.
It was pure, unfiltered, uncontrollable friendship.
Once while we were deliciously drunk, you wanted to kiss. In your boyfriend jeans hugging your hips, with your black leather boots. The white sleeve of your shirt hanging off the side of your shoulder. The city lights of Madrid pouring brilliantly down your dark hair, matching the tint in your eyes.
It was the first time I had ever thought someone else looked flawless. I never fathomed I’d feel this way again.. perhaps it was just the wine. But I was absolutely enthralled with the person standing in front of me, wanting to capture this mental image in my head.
I, unenthusiastically, declined your tempting offer. It would complicate things. At least on my part.
“I know you want to.” You laughed at me while you stepped closer; I, struggling to keep my composure. The scent of your body filled my lungs, I was intoxicated.
But you were right, I did want to.
Loving you made me a better person. Not a better lover or a better girlfriend, just a better human; for myself.
I won’t settle for anything less again.
And maybe I’m still not ready, and maybe the timing won’t ever be right — but I know now what I want, and what I don’t.