I let the dial tone transcend the radio waves.
I am pleasantly surprised you answered. Your voice raspy, accented stocotto while you sleepily breathe out.
There’s an initial awkward silence — Of course I break it, as I muster out a drunken hello.
Your smile, I can hear it play out over the phone just by the way your breathing shifts — maybe it’s all in my head.
It can’t be though, because earlier that sober day you had casually texted me out of the cloudy Netherlands blue.
I was busy though — so I didn’t catch it until much later — my lack of love for my phone mirroring my feelings towards us, too. I was a different person 3 years ago, then I would have responded immediately. Now, I only answer to myself for happiness.
But we talked, as if old friends meeting again for the first time.
“What do I do about my ex boyfriend? Do I see him when I return to Greece again?”
I winced. This is good. We can finally have these conversations without causing each other pain — “Yeah, you should. You will undoubtedly argue — Just as you will inevitably see him. But stuff like this must be done.”
“Yeah, you’re right” — “So are you seeing anyone?”
I let the question uncomfortably linger between us. It was humourous to me. To be talking about matters of the heart with the person who has crushed mine years ago — and to feel completely whole again is powerful.
I’ve always grown up under the impression you gotta face your fears. So here I found myself, bold and brave — a bit drunk, liquid courage — testing out my theory. And behold, I realize time and time again that I love this person dearly, in a way I will never love anyone else — yet, I felt whole and disconnected all at the same time.
Disconnected from the hopeless romantic I could potentionally be — wholely the romantic hopeful for my own soul in pursuit of my brazen heart.
“This is gonna sound lame telling you since you’re my ex and all but nah, I haven’t been serious with anyone since you, I’ve dated here and there, but the dating culture of our generation sucks, people are too scared or too broken — I want it to be real my next time around. I don’t want to settle for a lukewarm love.”
I could hear you let out a sigh of feeling, at what I am not sure though, “you still say that love isn’t how it should be, it isn’t like the movies where everything goes right in the ending.”
I laughed hard — earthquake humour shaking my entire being. Your response of song lyrics was utterly ironic. I had put that song on a mixed cd for you once. If anything, at least you still knew how to make me laugh.
“Shut up,” I chortled, “but yeah, you know me, I think love is the greatest energy in the universe.”
the music in your laughter hit my ears, “I’m so glad you haven’t changed — the world is full of broken people, who claim single forever bullshit — and I’m just happy that isn’t you — and that is rare and beautiful and you deserve nothing less than the right love. Do you remember the last night you saw me? You justified our break up as being great: you said ‘there’s a difference between a great love and the right love’ and then you called me the first great love of your life — and I didn’t know how to respond so instead I held you to sleep one last time before you boarded your plane back to Spain and would hate me forever–”
My head spinning with memories, typhoon of recollections destroying the previous mental state — sober is another word for thirsty. “I could never hate you.”
“Let me finish — I hope you find your right love. You are so patient and hopeful for love and I have personally experienced the person you are when you care for someone — just don’t lose that, it’s special, don’t feel bad for not finding someone yet.”
I was taken back to say the least. You never really expect to have this type of conversation with your ex — but now, I completely felt it — the grand platonic shift of our volcanic relationship. Finally we could put it to dormant.
I felt friendship for you. Complete and unwavering friendship — you’d always be one of my best friends. You still understood my heart in ways not even my best of friends did and I never fathomed we could be at this point.
Like I said,
Love is a great energy that can make anything possible under the same sky.
“You’re tired too, I think.” and that was the end, before we both did something we hadn’t done in years together — falling asleep on the phone; my midnight crested moon and your dawning sun
I’m a huge believer that the universe, every once in awhile, lets me experience soul shaking people for the revolution of my heart.
But I’ve never blamed anyone for how I am.
Experience alone has taught me that I am the sole benefactor of my own happiness.
And I can either be bitter — or I can get better.
I am constantly always trying to change for the better.
And I think it’s time to change again.
I really am so excited for what’s to come: the unknown has become my choice of lover.