those two words are bullets to my chest, just friends 

5:00am July 14th, 2017

I let you sit on the inside seat. It always makes you feel safe, and I don’t mind the outside, nor do I mind sitting beside you. 

It’s something another friend commented on once to me in private. How you and I never sit across from each other on the metro, but always beside one another. I didn’t think anyone else was paying attention to us.. I didn’t think anyone else had noticed. The observation makes me wary about how we act in front of others, but only because I don’t know what the hell we are. 

But drunk at 5:00am in the morning, observations nor inhibitions really matter now, do they? 

You leaned your head against my shoulder and directed my attention to the window on your other side. 

It caught my breath, and a comfortable silence ensued between us. 

The sun was beginning to climb between the stairs of clouds – diligent dawn. I had never seen the Berlin sky this shade of blue, snippets of pink and orange piercing through the light. 

Finally our stop came, and I asked if you wanted to watch the sunrise. 

“Absolutely,” you said playfully, mimicking my voice I use to mimic our professor, “wouldn’t have expected not to with you.” 

So we climbed up the stairs to the platform, which overlooks the city. It is perhaps one of the best sunset spots in all of Berlin. Who knew it would also become a favorite view for the sunrise, too. 

I immediately leaned against the railing, both of my arms dangling over the top, after snapping a few quick pics. I wanted to enjoy this moment – a beautiful sky with a beautiful girl – a girl I wasn’t supposed to find beautiful. But that’s the thing about sunsets, right? Doesn’t matter if no one is watching, they’re still beautiful. It’s how I ultimately feel about you, too. 

You stayed a few steps behind me, taking your own pics. I let you do your thing without too much fuss. Nothing could pull my attention away from the one thing I love the most: the sky, in all its wondrous, mysterious forms. 

And then effortlessly you did something that broke my concentration. Your arms wrapped around my body and I felt the heat of your breath against the side of my face. 

Initially, it made me clench up – because it made me feel vulnerable. As physically affectionate as I am, even with friends, I don’t tend to let people hold me. It’s usually me doing the holding. I don’t know why, but I find it such an.. intimate gesture to let someone hold me. To let someone experience me this unguarded. To let someone make me feel safe – in a romantic way. 

I thought you were just going to hug me and let go, but you kept your arms linked around my body. It’s the closest we had physically been since I had tried to unsuccessfully kiss you a few weeks prior. 

Well, it was the closest I had let you get to me since then. In the weeks after our awkward half-kiss, I stopped being affectionate with you. Even as just friends, because I didn’t want to confuse myself with more mixed signals. I didn’t want to trick myself into thinking you liked me the way I liked you. And once I stopped initiating physical contact with you, well, then you started to take lead — and I will never understand women. 

So I let you hold me. I gave in to desire. I think you did, too. I leaned my head against your chest, and we stayed in silence watching the sunrise for a good 15 minutes. 
And in that minuscule window of infinity, nothing else mattered beyond the small magical world of us. Just you, me, and the sky signaling a new day. 

Then you loosened your grip from my body and also leaned against the railing, your arms also dangling over the top. 

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it? I see why you like it so much.” 

I moved my arm between the two of yours, and the tips of our fingers linked together. I knew I shouldn’t have – I had been resisting for the last few weeks to not touch you. But after being held by you, my mind kind of just said fuck it, you’ve just let this girl hold you, might as well enjoy it to the maximum. 

“I love it, so much. It’s always what I miss about home. The vibrancy of the colors. Do you know what else I love?”

You turned your gaze on me, the blue of your irises bright, while the white of your eyes a light shade of pink. Sunrise, looked like morning in your eyes. 

“What’s that?”

I turned my head to the side, to the opening entrance of the station. 

“Look at all the people who have stopped to see the sunrise, and all of them taking pictures. What I love is watching busy people stop to admire beauty, recognizing it, and acknowledging it.” 

I looked back at you, and saw you smiling at me, the sunrise steadily growing more business blue than passion pink. 

You and that ridiculous smile, with your ridiculously cute dimples that makes me feel like a ridiculous girl with a ridiculous crush. 

“I think the best part of it is over, shall we?” 

I nodded in agreement, and turned around to walk towards our apartment building. But not before feeling your hand slip between mine. 

It surprised me, honestly. I didn’t think we’d hold hands again. I thought our small moment of weakness was over. It felt too intimate for me, for us, for “just friends.” Or whatever the hell we were trying to be. 

But it also felt normal, comfortable, even. We are used to each other, physically and emotionally, as it seems. 

I’ve watched many sunsets with many people. It’s something I love to do with my loved ones. It’s always been so special to me. 

But this morning, I learned to love the sunrise just as much. It’s the first time I’ve deliberately watched it with someone. I’m having so many firsts with you. 

But I don’t know how long this lasts.. how long we last. 


Berlin, Germany 

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