Tag Archives: experience

ecstasy

Swarm

The sun was setting overhead, and I could feel it, the vibrations. The trickle of momentum started at my feet, rupturing my locked knees, I swayed from side to side smashed between the bodies of my two best friends. The background bass overpowered our voices, and all I could hear was my own heart enthusiastically pounding against my eardrums. Each pulsation reverberated throughout my body, growing energetically with enthusiasm… and also impatience.

We were having fun, no doubt. But we wanted to get inside the festival grounds. We had been standing in line for over an hour and a half already, and the high from anticipation was slowly transforming into annoyance. The security was obviously overwhelmed with the exuberant crowd lined up in zigzags outside the gates. Angelica suddenly grabbed my hand, and in response I took hold of Ramon’s. She forced her way to the front, dragging us along with her. A twinge of guilt abruptly struck my conscience when I looked back to see all the people we had moved in front of… and then I heard Ramon call my name, pulling me out of my own senseless thoughts. Turning my attention back to my two friends, I saw him raise his phone for a selfie, and I genuinely smiled. It surprised even me — how effortless happiness could be.

After being patted down, very intimately I might add, by the entrance guards, we finally got in. Angelica had a few friends from her university meeting us, and she particularly wanted to introduce me to a certain someone. We had talked about it a lot in the weeks leading up to the music festival. I wanted a new experience, and I think Angelica wanted to give me that — as my parting gift, before I moved to Berlin.

Remembering this, I suddenly got nervous. I didn’t know what expectations I was supposed to have — or supposed to fulfill. Thank god, we had all pregamed before coming. The bottles of flavored vodka had been a good call to buy, it reminded me fondly of high school, and drinking with my best friend in our hotel room was something I’ll always hold close to my heart.

Although, it isn’t about the alcohol — it never is. It’s about the memory being made with someone, the time you can’t ever get back, the pure euphoria of new experiences with a soul your soul recognizes; this everlasting infinity we call the present.

I stayed close to Ramon, while Angelica and her friend Andre, led us around the different music stages searching for the meeting spot. Night had settled already, and the only blinding light came from behind DJ sets, and from the small stands selling beer and food. I was lost in my own mental musings when I finally noticed we had come to a halt near one of the water stations. I stood a few feet away from them watching one of the bands play, while they huddled around in a circle.

“Nice, let me record her.” I heard Ramon say.

“Fine, but don’t be obvious, I don’t want her freaking out,” answered Angelica.

Their voices pulled me out of my drunken isolation of thought, and I rolled my eyes impatiently, realizing they were talking about me. I tried moving myself between their shielding bodies to say something cheeky, when Angelica once again, grabbed my wrist and pulled me forward in the middle of the circle they had created — she held my palm upward toward the sky, and then her hand dropped from mine at the same time as someone else’s hand took hold.

I looked from Angelica to this new person that had gone unnoticed until now. She had this look in her eyes, like when someone knows something more than you do. It made me uncomfortable, so I withdrew my hand from hers. It was a peculiar way to meet a stranger for the first time.

“Trinh, this is my friend, Grace,” Angelica said coolly, a twinge of excitement hidden behind her voice.

I mustered up a nervous smile in response and held out my hand again towards the girl in front of me. I was trying to be relaxed, and not let my anxiousness override my laidback drunkenness. Instead she gave me a hug for a greeting, and this I appreciated. I hate shaking hands; it’s too formal for me.

My enthusiasm for the sudden friendliness erased my initial anxiety, and I embraced her back. I heard Angelica laugh sardonically, and suddenly there was a spotlight in my face. Ramon was shining his iPhone directly against my dilated pupils, and also pointing his gopro in my direction, “Okay go!”

And then I felt it, the irreparable impact of her lips against mine — the collision of chemistry commencing.

At first, came the endorphins. Alleviating my uneasiness, setting each follicle hair on my arms ablaze — unleashing a hungry desire for the person pressing her tongue against mine.

Soon followed by oxytocin. It had to be. How else could I be physically intimate with someone so suddenly? My hands gripped her waist, and she pressed her body into mine, like old lovers do, with no time to waste.

And finally — the injection of dopamine. My neuron synapses were forging and firing off new paths to my remapped brain. Or perhaps, it was serotonin. I mix up my neurotransmitting chemicals. But what I felt was elated joy, my heart pounding sporadically against my rib cage, causing a warm and calm feeling between my ears. My body was comfortably on fire.

The quartet of happiness — the chemistry of ecstasy. 

I thought to myself, as I stepped back and pulled away from the touch of Grace.

It was unlike any kiss I’ve ever experienced before. Powerful, and intoxicating, and unexpected… I found myself simultaneously craving more, but being extremely overwhelmed by euphoria. 

My mental capacity for logic fled my body, and my vision increased in magnitude.

Time no longer felt like a restraint on my dimensional body — its influence disappeared. The speed of light changed for me… perhaps bent is a better word. Light fragments reflected deeper and faster colors. In any direction I looked, everything seemed to be magnified. I felt the world spin beneath me, one axis degree at a time.

I put my hand in front of Ramon’s camera, and gulped a large amount of fresh air to catch my breath. He patted me on my back, congratulatory. Before I could turn back to Grace and ask what the hell just happened, I felt Angelica’s hand slip into mine again, pulling me forward through the swarm of bodies towards the main stage, the others following behind.

The Chainsmokers were set to play in an hour, and people were already gathering in mass around the area. Honestly, I don’t really much care for them. It’s Halsey I was there for, if even just for her voice. Her music had saved me once upon a time, when I promised myself I wouldn’t let anyone complete me.

Yet here I found myself unguarded with every sense of feeling heightened, my Walls of Jericho surrounded by souldiers of light. I realized in this moment I had been wrong, to not want to let people complete my heart — to complete my human experience, and like I’ve said, I’m addicted to experience.

Grace’s kiss had given me clarity I didn’t know I needed — for the tantalizing significance of being alive, in basking in the infinite, of the sacredness of friendship.

The Universe’s little reminder, “You can’t keep Love out of your house, even if you tried.”

Cheers to friendship, I really am surrounded by the most beautiful souls. 

Sun City Music Festival — El Paso, TX 

lost and found 

There’s something about 3am that shifts the human soul. 

I found myself laughing hysterically along with you, the night sky above, beautiful velvet white sand beneath, and you beside me — the end of a lemon flavoured beer bottle pressed against my lips. My kind of definition of paradise.

Well, maybe not the beer.

I hate beer, still do, and probably always will — but I loved tasting it off of you. 

The sound of crashing waves complimented the silence enveloping between us, as our laughter died down. 

It wasn’t awkward, it was comfortable. I could sit in your silence endlessly, and still be so captured by it. 

Your hand found mine in the space between our bodies, and instinctively I lifted your hand to my lips and kissed it. 

You turned on your side to face me, and placed the palm of your hand against my cheek, the end of your thumb caressing the skin beneath my eyes. 

You leaned in and affectionately planted a kiss on my nose. 

You had this weird obsession with my nose, found it cute you said,  I don’t know why — but I remember the way your soft lips felt curved against it. I remember the scent of your hot breath against my skin. 

But only because of you. 

Your eyes brightened, and you shot up into a sitting position. Rummaging through your backpack, you pulled out your sketchbook and pen. 

The pen moved fervently against the paper, you must have been inspired, I thought. But how you could see through the pitch blackness, I was unsure of. 

Once you were done, you rolled the paper up and shoved it inside my empty beer bottle. You stood up, and chunked the bottle into the ocean. 

“Hey I wanted to see what you had drawn.” I whined after you, now sitting up in the sand and watching you from the rear. 

You laughed and started to undress — obviously I was intrigued now. 

Your clothes fell to your feet, and you looked back at me waiting – coy smile stealing my gaze. 

Running over towards you while simultaneously shedding my layers of clothes — I crashed into you and our naked bodies collided and toppled into the ocean. 

Your adventurous heart was so — beautiful. I don’t know what other word or combination of letters I can use to describe it. But it was marvelous and I could no more contain my own heart from loving yours. 

We played like children in the sea, and the innocence of this will never leave me –you finally dragged me back to our blanket. I laid on top of it laughing, and you laid on top of me, your hands caging my face, a serious demeanor painted over yours. 

“Want to know what I put in the bottle?”

I nodded yes, sincerely curious by your change of pace. 

“I promise to love you forever.” 

“That’s a really long time,” I responded jokingly. 

You shook your head lightly laughing, “no, that’s what I wrote, so if you ever forget or if life ever takes you away from me, there will be proof in a bottle you kissed somewhere in the ocean..a little bit of us lost at sea.” 

—————-

Beer’s never quite tasted the same since then.. especially at 3am. 

how an insomniac falls in love 

heaven was 

7am sunlight pouring through half closed-blinds 

bodies tangled between waves of bed sheets 

your sleepy “i love yous” pressed gently against my neck 

the humming of your heart beat synchronized to the rhythm of my breathing 

my fingers tracing each vertebrae of the arch of your back for hours on end 

your hands cradling my face, i felt so vulnerable– i loved the way you held me in place 

hell is

having to remember 

…not being able to forget