don’t allow whatever has hurt you to turn you into someone you’re not
don’t allow whatever has hurt you to turn you into someone you’re not
There’s something about 3am that shifts the human soul.
I found myself laughing hysterically along with you, the night sky above, beautiful velvet white sand beneath, and you beside me — the end of a lemon flavoured beer bottle pressed against my lips. My kind of definition of paradise.
Well, maybe not the beer.
I hate beer, still do, and probably always will — but I loved tasting it off of you.
The sound of crashing waves complimented the silence enveloping between us, as our laughter died down.
It wasn’t awkward, it was comfortable. I could sit in your silence endlessly, and still be so captured by it.
Your hand found mine in the space between our bodies, and instinctively I lifted your hand to my lips and kissed it.
You turned on your side to face me, and placed the palm of your hand against my cheek, the end of your thumb caressing the skin beneath my eyes.
You leaned in and affectionately planted a kiss on my nose.
You had this weird obsession with my nose, found it cute you said, I don’t know why — but I remember the way your soft lips felt curved against it. I remember the scent of your hot breath against my skin.
But only because of you.
Your eyes brightened, and you shot up into a sitting position. Rummaging through your backpack, you pulled out your sketchbook and pen.
The pen moved fervently against the paper, you must have been inspired, I thought. But how you could see through the pitch blackness, I was unsure of.
Once you were done, you rolled the paper up and shoved it inside my empty beer bottle. You stood up, and chunked the bottle into the ocean.
“Hey I wanted to see what you had drawn.” I whined after you, now sitting up in the sand and watching you from the rear.
You laughed and started to undress — obviously I was intrigued now.
Your clothes fell to your feet, and you looked back at me waiting – coy smile stealing my gaze.
Running over towards you while simultaneously shedding my layers of clothes — I crashed into you and our naked bodies collided and toppled into the ocean.
Your adventurous heart was so — beautiful. I don’t know what other word or combination of letters I can use to describe it. But it was marvelous and I could no more contain my own heart from loving yours.
We played like children in the sea, and the innocence of this will never leave me –you finally dragged me back to our blanket. I laid on top of it laughing, and you laid on top of me, your hands caging my face, a serious demeanor painted over yours.
“Want to know what I put in the bottle?”
I nodded yes, sincerely curious by your change of pace.
“I promise to love you forever.”
“That’s a really long time,” I responded jokingly.
You shook your head lightly laughing, “no, that’s what I wrote, so if you ever forget or if life ever takes you away from me, there will be proof in a bottle you kissed somewhere in the ocean..a little bit of us lost at sea.”
Beer’s never quite tasted the same since then.. especially at 3am.
I have become quite interested in how my current state of mind effects how I filter the past. Prescribing myself corrective lenses — being able to view in a different light.
It might be my favourite paradox, as a writer — knowing I can’t change the past, but being able to change how I feel about it.
As a result, I’ve become a time traveler of my own writings, jumping back in time and reliving moments I thought I’d forgotten, feelings I thought lost forever more.
How wrong I was. But it’s very peculiar to know I am feeling something from the past, and realizing it isn’t how I feel presently.
Remembering emotions is tricky business. Often times, confusing. I’ve had to navigate through what’s real now, and what was my reality then.
Some things, however, never change. And I’m quickly learning that the people and places and passions I held dear then, are what I treasure now.
I am under the impression that change is the only constant in life. But I’m beginning to wonder and question, what if love is the constant, and change merely the dependent variable?
All I can truly know — I love sunsets more and more with each passing rotation of the universe.
12th of December, 2011
1. You have come a long way from the person you were, to the person you are now. Keep growing and keep learning.. there is still much change to take place, and many new things to still experience. And remember to stay patient, I promise, it will all be worth it.
2. You deserve to be loved in the most extravagant way ever. So remember to also return that love to others. Family, friends, strangers.. let them all feel it. Because as much pain as you’ve been through, love was always there to guide you back to happiness. Remember that, because I know sometimes you like to give up on love. But don’t worry, it won’t ever give up on you.
3. You have a lot of potential to be an amazing individual that can do great things. I know you get bored easily, but keep at it with all your mind and heart. Laziness is unattractive and you are a person of passion. But all of that will be a waste if you keep holding it off. Don’t be scared to be successful, and don’t let failure stop you from achieving your goals. You have big dreams, the world needs you to achieve them. Also, remember to love what you’re doing, and just fuck what everyone else says about it. And yes, you’re only young once.. but that isn’t an excuse to not always be the best you can be. You were given all your talents for a reason, make good use of them. Remember why you’re doing all of this, you made this decision so don’t back out now, because this isn’t just about you anymore, in fact, it never has been.
4. You need to start taking more chances and being more risky. You have become far too comfortable with your daily routine. There are still so many more people to meet and experiences to be had. Whether they are good or bad, it doesn’t matter. It still all needs to happen, and you need to understand that. I know everything right now is going wonderful for you, and you think the way to keep it that way is to do the same thing over and over again. That’s boring, and you for one, have never been boring. So do me a favor, stay interesting. Do the impossible.. or at least, find new possibility in each opportunity.
5. You can’t always fix everything, so stop trying. Some things were never broken to begin with. And even though you might not agree, or are too stubborn to admit that things can and will be out of your control, it will always be this way. Also, stop being so closed with the people that love you most. Having strength isn’t always about being strong, because it is okay to be vulnerable. Because remember, even you like people who are real and honest with themselves.
6. Lastly, you are the most forgetful person you know. So remember to keep writing. Everything, write it down. Ideas, thoughts, dreams, goals, poetry, stupid jokes, memories, dates, names.. write it all down, so you won’t forget all the things that have made your life so beautiful.